Clarity

So it's been awhile, I've been overly busy... But I have been thinking about something for awhile and I feel like writing it down; sharing it. So here it goes...

In my life I have been through some of the highest highs and some of the lowest lows and I fought and struggled and I am finally seeing the light. It took a long time, but I think I've finally found clarity. Things may not be perfect; actually I know they aren't perfect and there is still a long ways to go, but for now things are good enough. I am happy... really happy not what I used to think was happy. Happy where I can feel it in my whole body and I know it's real. I am free of life's chains, free of the burdens and pressures that once held me down. It's a real clarity to see life with open eyes, to see all its beauty as it is meant to be seen. A clarity that frees you from things that used to bother you or stress you out. If you've never felt it before its hard to explain, but having seen the darkest parts of my soul makes it easier to see the light even in its smallest measure. I feel like the real me, like who I am right now is who I really am and that person I used to be wasn't me. I know I smile more than I ever had and it feels amazing to know that I can smile even after I've been torn down so far that I thought I might never be happy again. Clarity is a precious gift, I wish that everyone could feel the freedom that clarity gives. To see things for what they are and see yourself as who you really are, to be who you really are with nothing to hold you back. I hope that you don't have to go through the same darkness that I had to go through in order to reach it, but if you do all I have to say is keep fighting the darkness because the light at the end of the tunnel shines brighter than anything you've seen before.

The Sky is Falling

Its been awhile since I wrote last, life has been busy and I haven't had time to have a free thought. But now everything is just... well there's really no word for it, it's more of the sound you make when you fall out of bed, you know the sound? It amazes me how life can go from being bright and sunny and the flowers are blooming and then bam the sky starts falling around you. And its not like things happen slowly or little by little so they are easy to take and easy to overcome, no its all at once and its suffocating. I don't want to shower you with all my problems, because that's not who I am. But lets put it this way- no job, no money, no relationship, a grad school thesis presentation/paper. I have come to realize that the hard times in my life are always like this, its not just one thing its a culmination of many things. I don't know if its like that for everyone, but its always like that for me. They say that God only gives you what you can handle, and I think that maybe that's true. I just wish he wouldn't give me so much all the time. But, no matter what I try to keep a positive attitude and keep my chin up even when I just want to break down and cry. I guess I've just been here so many times that I've learned that crying about it isn't going to make it any better, don't get me wrong a good cry always makes me feel a little better, but it doesn't change my situation. When things get bad I think I force myself to smile, not because I'm trying to fool anyone, but because the more I force myself to smile the more I actually smile. If you were to meet me you would never guess what's going on inside my head, I have perfected the ability to hide my emotions and my worry. And though that's not a good thing, it is something I have done to cope with life. I have been at the bottom of the barrel, I know exactly what the darkness looks like, but I have done something I wish I could share with others who are at their worst. I had my moment, that small light in the darkness, I realized that as bad as it gets, as much as it hurts, it could always be worse. The sky may be falling, but at least the ground is still beneath my feet. With all the bad in the world, the good still beats it 100%. And all those bruises and broken bones of life they eventually heal, and they are just that much stronger. I think that people like myself, people who have been at their lowest who have seen the darkness, when they come into the light they see it so much more than those who haven't. I think now I appreciate all the beautiful things in life so much more, and even when the sky is falling it looks more like a meteor shower than the apocalypse.

Gives Me Hope

"Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart." - Anne Frank
I am never surprised by the bad things that happen in the world, honestly I expect them. Bad things seem to happen a lot more often than the good things, maybe its because the bad things are easier... easier to do, easier to see, easier to accept as real. Despite everything though I truly think at heart the world is good, that people are good and everyday I witness another thing that gives me hope in humanity. As a civilization we have many faults; we are quick to violence, quick to see the worst in everyone and every situation. But even with all those things we have one thing that is truly remarkable, we have love. Love is what makes a young man give up his seat to an elderly woman on the train. Love is what brings us together after a natural disaster. Love is what makes us do those little things that bring light to someones day.  Love and kindness are what give us our humanity, without them we are nothing more than chaotic creatures. I was lucky growing up, I had love all around me; family and friends who loved me. I grew up with love in my heart and the need to love others and see love in everything and everyone. I have also been broken, torn down, and stomped on; but what I realized is that even though there are bad things and people who do bad things that there is one thing stronger, love. Not only love, but beauty; I'm not talking about beauty as in vanity I'm talking about the beautiful things all around us. The sun as it sets on the horizon, the rain as it drips down the window, the smell of freshly cut grass. These things are what make all the bad in the world tolerable, they make all the violence and the hate and the anger bearable. Because even though those things happen, we know that when they are over that those beautiful things will still be there, because love and beauty those things will never disappear.

Make a wish...

Have you ever made a wish? On a star... at 11:11... on your birthday candles. I wish all the time, anything you can make a wish on I usually do. The truth is though the more and more I wish for something the less and less it seems that it will ever come true. I know what they say, that you have to do the work and make your wishes come true. But wouldn't it be something if just once the wish did come true. Could you imagine what that would feel like? To have your wish granted. To get what you want without having to make it come true yourself. Seriously, if my wish actually came true I think I'd probably faint. Mostly because I really don't expect my wish to come true and if it did I don't think my brain could fathom it. How about your wish? Could you handle it it if came true? Maybe that's why they don't come true, because if they did we wouldn't be able to handle it and our fragile little brains would just explode. Kind of like when you meet your favorite celebrity, you are so excited that you probably can't even form coherent sentences. Maybe they don't come true because our wishes are to big? Maybe the little wish fairy (or whatever) doesn't have the power to make such grand wishes come true. I know my wish is pretty big, it could effect a lot of people and change the fate of myself and others. Then again maybe wishes, and the little wish fairy don't actually exist. When you make your wish it just vanishes into the universe. And maybe that's the way it supposed to be, because what would the world look like if everyone's wishes were granted.... I'm guessing about like the way it look if hell froze over. I guess you really do have to work to make your wishes come true, because then you know you deserve them. Real or not though, that's not going to stop me from wishing and dreaming and hoping, because without those things life is boring and meaningless. So go ahead... make a wish. Maybe one day it'll come true.

Random

So I haven't posted in awhile, I'm not really sure anyone actually reads this. But if you do I just thought I'd write something. I don't really have a particular thing I want to talk about, so I'll just type and see what ends up on the page. Lately I've been really busy with school, I am doing an internship and I have an upcoming research project that I have to prepare for. I'll be graduating (hopefully) in December and I'm excited and nervous. It's weird to think that all to quickly I will have to officially become an adult, pay bills, get a real job. I'm from a tiny little town in Iowa and I love my home, my family and friends, and I don't know if I'm ready to move far away from them. I mean I've been 1200 miles away from them for two years now, but after I graduate it will be different. I will be moving far away to get a job and start a career, basically relocating and calling a new place home. I still feel young, I don't feel like an adult and honestly I don't know if I'm ready to be an adult. I realize that I'm 23 years old and back in the 18th century woman my age were already married with three children, running their own households. Today though it's so different and I am no where near that, I'm not even in a relationship. I'm single, middle class, I have a bachelor's degree and when I'm done I'll have a mater's degree along with 100,000 dollars in debt. I have to find a job in a field that requires experience for its applicants, but the only way to get experience is to get a job. It's really an endless circle. All I do is worry about my future, sometimes I worry so much that I throw myself into a panic that ends in tears. Right now I don't have a job, and I've tried to get one but unfortunately I've failed miserably. And I'm not talking about a job in the field I want, but a regular boring job. Mostly I wanted one so I could get some money to eventually use to pay my bills, and I also wanted one because I spend almost all of my time alone. I sit in my tiny graduate housing apartment and do absolutely nothing. It is so boring, the kind of boring where you literally get tired of your own company. I do homework, watch TV, watch movies, spend way to much time on my computer, read books, listen to music, but I do it so much that I am bored with it. So basically I just sit around and stare out the window, I'm that bored. I have even started writing a new book, I'm close to finished with it. My last book I'm still waiting for the copyright to go through, but it is taking forever. I want to get it published online, so people can purchase and read it. I will probably be finished with my second book before the first one gets published online, its ridiculous.

Wow so I really covered a lot of stuff, end of post.

Different

What does it mean when something or someone is different? By definition the word different means not of the same kind, not the same, or not ordinary or common. But what does it mean to call something different? We can say an apple is different from a orange, but they are both fruits. To compare an apple to a slice of bread, but they are both still food... then lets say we compare an apple to a car, but they both have mass and take up space, they are both comprised of matter. By definition then can any of these things be described as different? We throw around the word different like any other adjective, if something isn't what we believe to be normal or the same as us we call it different. A woman is different from a man, one skin color is different from another, a gay individual is different from a straight individual. But are they different? Sure they have differences, but no matter the differences we are all human beings... all the same. I feel like most of the arguments I hear today are about those three things: sex, race, and sexual orientation. After hundreds of years of fighting and revolutions we are still arguing over the same things. Don't get me wrong we've won some battles, but the war still rages on. No matter how hard we try that label "different" gets slapped on someones forehead and that's all anyone can see. Lets really think about this for a moment: what separates an apple from an orange? The color, shape, texture, flavor, etc... but when we think of them we see fruit, right? All those differences, but with the exception of your personal preferences we don't really think one is better than the other right? Both are sweet, have nutrients, are appetizing, are healthy for you... and so on. Now lets think about the differences between a woman and a man. Sexual organs, hormones, physical structure... can you think of anything else? Those few things don't even compare to the differences in an apple and an orange and yet we see woman as being so much different from men. Throughout history man ruled, man made the money, man was head of the household... is there something that makes man greater than woman? How about this lets look at this scientifically: men tend to be stronger than woman, but woman tend to be smarter than men... like the apples and the oranges we have our differences but that doesn't make one better than the other. I was brought up seeing every human being as holding the same amount of weight in the world, not to look at everyone as being different and those differences holding more weight than another. I think if everyone saw the world that way as everyone being human, the world would be a different place. Look at it this way: when you fill a bowl with apples and oranges and bananas and so forth, what do see? A bowl of fruit, right? So when you look at the world do you see all the differences, or do you see the human race?

A Long Way Down

I just watched the movie A Long Way Down and if you haven't seen it I recommend it. It gives a look into the lives of four people who on New Years Eve meet on the roof of a building ready to jump. Instead of jumping they all make a pact to wait until Valentine's Day. I really liked the movie because it gives a glimpse into the biggest question when it comes to individuals committing suicide - Why? When people commit suicide their loved ones are left to ask the question as to why they did it. Sometimes the person leaves a note and sometimes not, but no matter what that person writes down on the paper whose to say that's the real reason they ended their life. I don't want to ruin the ending for anyone who plans to watch it, so I won't tell you if they jump or not. What I will tell you is something they say at the end, that a man who survived jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge said that in the five seconds after he jumped before he hit the water was that the only thing in his life that couldn't be fixed was jumping off that bridge. Being someone who has almost committed suicide I understand that thought completely. Luckily for me I had someone to make me realize that the only thing I couldn't have fixed would have been taking my own life, that someone gave me my five seconds. I think that the why is a big question and maybe even the person who's ready to jump doesn't even know the answer themselves. But if that person is you, I ask you to take those five seconds before you jump and think about it...

Self Evident Truth

I just watched this video and I thought it was necessary to share. If you haven't heard of the http://www.selfevidentproject.com/ you should, it is something that I think could help to break down barriers. In truth it is about so much more than gay individuals, its about all individuals and showing them for what they really are - human beings. We shouldn't be separated into groups based on sexual orientation, race, belief; we are all humans and we deserve equal rights. I'm a straight white christian but that doesn't mean I don't see the struggles of others. A majority of my friends are gay or bisexual, most of them don't believe in a god, and I have witnessed their struggles and listened to their pains and I stand beside them. I was raised seeing a person as a person; no matter their race, beliefs, or sexual orientation. With all that's going on today I think that most people forget that we are all human beings, and those things that define a person shouldn't be what separates them from being a human being. Being gay doesn't suddenly change the fact that you are human and being human you deserve the same rights as everyone else.

Strength

Strength -- A couple of years ago I got that word tattooed on my foot. I got it for one important reason: I needed it to remind myself everyday just how strong I am capable of being. I'm not talking about the kind of strength it takes to lift something heavy, but the strength it takes to hold an imaginary weight on your shoulders. My family and friends tell me all the time how strong and brave I am, that I'm going out and attempting to make my life better. In truth though I am not as strong as I look, I am pretty good at putting up a facade, and I fight everyday to stay strong. I may look like I've got it all figured out and everything is going as planned, but really I have no idea what I'm doing and I worry all the time that things won't work out. I think that everybody goes through this same thing at least once, if not more, in their life. I have worked hard the last six years to put my past behind me, to push myself to be the person I'm truly meant to be. Strength, is something that has brought me through. In all honesty I don't think everyone could have traveled down the same road I did and make it to the other side. It was more than just something inside of me though, it was all the people in my life; my family and friends and all the new friends I gained along the way. They are the reason I keep fighting everyday; the thought that my strength is their strength. They need me as much as I need them, and my life is important to them. I think that is something others should take from, that the life you live isn't lived just for you alone but all those around you as well. Your strength emanates in the lives of others and vice-versa. No matter how alone with your struggles you feel there are always those who are around to share your burdens, whether it be the god you believe in or family and friends or a significant other or a therapist you probably pay way to much for. It took me a while to figure it out, but when I did I realized that even though I feel alone that I'm never really alone and that gives me strength. So looking at that word inked into my skin reminds me of so much more than a word, it reminds me of my struggles all the things I went through and the knowledge that I have the ability to beat anything that crosses my path; it also reminds me of all the people who I draw that strength from and those same people who need me to be strong.

“I am thankful for my struggle because without it, I wouldn't have stumbled upon my strength.”
― Alexandra Elle

Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I unfortunately don't get to spend the day with friends and family because I'm 1300 miles away from them. I love Thanksgiving at my house, I remember waking up to a turkey cooking in the oven. That smell will forever be burned into my memory. I love spending time with my family, most people can't stand to spend a whole day with their crazy relatives but me I love them all. When I was younger we used to play games all afternoon as the older men would take a nap to sleep off the turkey and the older women would play cards. Those are fond memories...

There is something else I feel like talking about today, mostly because it is so in your face at the moment. The Ferguson case. I noticed this article this morning - http://www.foxnews.com/us/2014/11/27/agitators-planned-to-disrupt-macy-thanksgiving-day-parade/ Honestly I am disappointed in people, I understand that people are angry; I myself didn't really follow the case but I am aware of the circumstances. I don't see the reason behind ruining a parade which is meant to celebrate thanks. I listened to the prosecutors speech and watched the aftermath, that boys family asked for peace and the people answered with destruction. Burning of american flags, burning of police cars, burning of public buildings. Since the case started there has been so much hate and loss, is that really the best way to fight this case; fire with fire. There are some questions I wish to ask, and please don't consider this offensive I don't mean it to sound the least bit racist. Would this all have turned out the same if that boy had been white? Is the color of his skin really the underlying factor? If that boy had been white would it have made national news, would the president have made a speech, would there have been rioting and protesters? Police brutality happens more often than any of us would like, with power comes those who will abuse it. Police brutality occurs no matter the color of someones skin. Don't get me wrong I am not naive to the fact that those of darker skin are often targeted for police action, I took a class during my undergrad which focused on the criminal justice system and minorities. The cold hard truth is that if you are a rich white male you are far less likely to be stopped by the cops than a poor black woman, and its not right... not in the least bit. But everyday more and more of those with the old train of thought are leaving the criminal justice system and people with a new train of thought are coming in, I truly hope that someday the color of someones skin will no longer be an issue. But likewise people need to stop falling into the stereotypes; don't act like they expect you to act and rise above, make them see you in a different light.