Clarity

So it's been awhile, I've been overly busy... But I have been thinking about something for awhile and I feel like writing it down; sharing it. So here it goes...

In my life I have been through some of the highest highs and some of the lowest lows and I fought and struggled and I am finally seeing the light. It took a long time, but I think I've finally found clarity. Things may not be perfect; actually I know they aren't perfect and there is still a long ways to go, but for now things are good enough. I am happy... really happy not what I used to think was happy. Happy where I can feel it in my whole body and I know it's real. I am free of life's chains, free of the burdens and pressures that once held me down. It's a real clarity to see life with open eyes, to see all its beauty as it is meant to be seen. A clarity that frees you from things that used to bother you or stress you out. If you've never felt it before its hard to explain, but having seen the darkest parts of my soul makes it easier to see the light even in its smallest measure. I feel like the real me, like who I am right now is who I really am and that person I used to be wasn't me. I know I smile more than I ever had and it feels amazing to know that I can smile even after I've been torn down so far that I thought I might never be happy again. Clarity is a precious gift, I wish that everyone could feel the freedom that clarity gives. To see things for what they are and see yourself as who you really are, to be who you really are with nothing to hold you back. I hope that you don't have to go through the same darkness that I had to go through in order to reach it, but if you do all I have to say is keep fighting the darkness because the light at the end of the tunnel shines brighter than anything you've seen before.

The Sky is Falling

Its been awhile since I wrote last, life has been busy and I haven't had time to have a free thought. But now everything is just... well there's really no word for it, it's more of the sound you make when you fall out of bed, you know the sound? It amazes me how life can go from being bright and sunny and the flowers are blooming and then bam the sky starts falling around you. And its not like things happen slowly or little by little so they are easy to take and easy to overcome, no its all at once and its suffocating. I don't want to shower you with all my problems, because that's not who I am. But lets put it this way- no job, no money, no relationship, a grad school thesis presentation/paper. I have come to realize that the hard times in my life are always like this, its not just one thing its a culmination of many things. I don't know if its like that for everyone, but its always like that for me. They say that God only gives you what you can handle, and I think that maybe that's true. I just wish he wouldn't give me so much all the time. But, no matter what I try to keep a positive attitude and keep my chin up even when I just want to break down and cry. I guess I've just been here so many times that I've learned that crying about it isn't going to make it any better, don't get me wrong a good cry always makes me feel a little better, but it doesn't change my situation. When things get bad I think I force myself to smile, not because I'm trying to fool anyone, but because the more I force myself to smile the more I actually smile. If you were to meet me you would never guess what's going on inside my head, I have perfected the ability to hide my emotions and my worry. And though that's not a good thing, it is something I have done to cope with life. I have been at the bottom of the barrel, I know exactly what the darkness looks like, but I have done something I wish I could share with others who are at their worst. I had my moment, that small light in the darkness, I realized that as bad as it gets, as much as it hurts, it could always be worse. The sky may be falling, but at least the ground is still beneath my feet. With all the bad in the world, the good still beats it 100%. And all those bruises and broken bones of life they eventually heal, and they are just that much stronger. I think that people like myself, people who have been at their lowest who have seen the darkness, when they come into the light they see it so much more than those who haven't. I think now I appreciate all the beautiful things in life so much more, and even when the sky is falling it looks more like a meteor shower than the apocalypse.

Gives Me Hope

"Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart." - Anne Frank
I am never surprised by the bad things that happen in the world, honestly I expect them. Bad things seem to happen a lot more often than the good things, maybe its because the bad things are easier... easier to do, easier to see, easier to accept as real. Despite everything though I truly think at heart the world is good, that people are good and everyday I witness another thing that gives me hope in humanity. As a civilization we have many faults; we are quick to violence, quick to see the worst in everyone and every situation. But even with all those things we have one thing that is truly remarkable, we have love. Love is what makes a young man give up his seat to an elderly woman on the train. Love is what brings us together after a natural disaster. Love is what makes us do those little things that bring light to someones day.  Love and kindness are what give us our humanity, without them we are nothing more than chaotic creatures. I was lucky growing up, I had love all around me; family and friends who loved me. I grew up with love in my heart and the need to love others and see love in everything and everyone. I have also been broken, torn down, and stomped on; but what I realized is that even though there are bad things and people who do bad things that there is one thing stronger, love. Not only love, but beauty; I'm not talking about beauty as in vanity I'm talking about the beautiful things all around us. The sun as it sets on the horizon, the rain as it drips down the window, the smell of freshly cut grass. These things are what make all the bad in the world tolerable, they make all the violence and the hate and the anger bearable. Because even though those things happen, we know that when they are over that those beautiful things will still be there, because love and beauty those things will never disappear.

Make a wish...

Have you ever made a wish? On a star... at 11:11... on your birthday candles. I wish all the time, anything you can make a wish on I usually do. The truth is though the more and more I wish for something the less and less it seems that it will ever come true. I know what they say, that you have to do the work and make your wishes come true. But wouldn't it be something if just once the wish did come true. Could you imagine what that would feel like? To have your wish granted. To get what you want without having to make it come true yourself. Seriously, if my wish actually came true I think I'd probably faint. Mostly because I really don't expect my wish to come true and if it did I don't think my brain could fathom it. How about your wish? Could you handle it it if came true? Maybe that's why they don't come true, because if they did we wouldn't be able to handle it and our fragile little brains would just explode. Kind of like when you meet your favorite celebrity, you are so excited that you probably can't even form coherent sentences. Maybe they don't come true because our wishes are to big? Maybe the little wish fairy (or whatever) doesn't have the power to make such grand wishes come true. I know my wish is pretty big, it could effect a lot of people and change the fate of myself and others. Then again maybe wishes, and the little wish fairy don't actually exist. When you make your wish it just vanishes into the universe. And maybe that's the way it supposed to be, because what would the world look like if everyone's wishes were granted.... I'm guessing about like the way it look if hell froze over. I guess you really do have to work to make your wishes come true, because then you know you deserve them. Real or not though, that's not going to stop me from wishing and dreaming and hoping, because without those things life is boring and meaningless. So go ahead... make a wish. Maybe one day it'll come true.

Random

So I haven't posted in awhile, I'm not really sure anyone actually reads this. But if you do I just thought I'd write something. I don't really have a particular thing I want to talk about, so I'll just type and see what ends up on the page. Lately I've been really busy with school, I am doing an internship and I have an upcoming research project that I have to prepare for. I'll be graduating (hopefully) in December and I'm excited and nervous. It's weird to think that all to quickly I will have to officially become an adult, pay bills, get a real job. I'm from a tiny little town in Iowa and I love my home, my family and friends, and I don't know if I'm ready to move far away from them. I mean I've been 1200 miles away from them for two years now, but after I graduate it will be different. I will be moving far away to get a job and start a career, basically relocating and calling a new place home. I still feel young, I don't feel like an adult and honestly I don't know if I'm ready to be an adult. I realize that I'm 23 years old and back in the 18th century woman my age were already married with three children, running their own households. Today though it's so different and I am no where near that, I'm not even in a relationship. I'm single, middle class, I have a bachelor's degree and when I'm done I'll have a mater's degree along with 100,000 dollars in debt. I have to find a job in a field that requires experience for its applicants, but the only way to get experience is to get a job. It's really an endless circle. All I do is worry about my future, sometimes I worry so much that I throw myself into a panic that ends in tears. Right now I don't have a job, and I've tried to get one but unfortunately I've failed miserably. And I'm not talking about a job in the field I want, but a regular boring job. Mostly I wanted one so I could get some money to eventually use to pay my bills, and I also wanted one because I spend almost all of my time alone. I sit in my tiny graduate housing apartment and do absolutely nothing. It is so boring, the kind of boring where you literally get tired of your own company. I do homework, watch TV, watch movies, spend way to much time on my computer, read books, listen to music, but I do it so much that I am bored with it. So basically I just sit around and stare out the window, I'm that bored. I have even started writing a new book, I'm close to finished with it. My last book I'm still waiting for the copyright to go through, but it is taking forever. I want to get it published online, so people can purchase and read it. I will probably be finished with my second book before the first one gets published online, its ridiculous.

Wow so I really covered a lot of stuff, end of post.

Different

What does it mean when something or someone is different? By definition the word different means not of the same kind, not the same, or not ordinary or common. But what does it mean to call something different? We can say an apple is different from a orange, but they are both fruits. To compare an apple to a slice of bread, but they are both still food... then lets say we compare an apple to a car, but they both have mass and take up space, they are both comprised of matter. By definition then can any of these things be described as different? We throw around the word different like any other adjective, if something isn't what we believe to be normal or the same as us we call it different. A woman is different from a man, one skin color is different from another, a gay individual is different from a straight individual. But are they different? Sure they have differences, but no matter the differences we are all human beings... all the same. I feel like most of the arguments I hear today are about those three things: sex, race, and sexual orientation. After hundreds of years of fighting and revolutions we are still arguing over the same things. Don't get me wrong we've won some battles, but the war still rages on. No matter how hard we try that label "different" gets slapped on someones forehead and that's all anyone can see. Lets really think about this for a moment: what separates an apple from an orange? The color, shape, texture, flavor, etc... but when we think of them we see fruit, right? All those differences, but with the exception of your personal preferences we don't really think one is better than the other right? Both are sweet, have nutrients, are appetizing, are healthy for you... and so on. Now lets think about the differences between a woman and a man. Sexual organs, hormones, physical structure... can you think of anything else? Those few things don't even compare to the differences in an apple and an orange and yet we see woman as being so much different from men. Throughout history man ruled, man made the money, man was head of the household... is there something that makes man greater than woman? How about this lets look at this scientifically: men tend to be stronger than woman, but woman tend to be smarter than men... like the apples and the oranges we have our differences but that doesn't make one better than the other. I was brought up seeing every human being as holding the same amount of weight in the world, not to look at everyone as being different and those differences holding more weight than another. I think if everyone saw the world that way as everyone being human, the world would be a different place. Look at it this way: when you fill a bowl with apples and oranges and bananas and so forth, what do see? A bowl of fruit, right? So when you look at the world do you see all the differences, or do you see the human race?

A Long Way Down

I just watched the movie A Long Way Down and if you haven't seen it I recommend it. It gives a look into the lives of four people who on New Years Eve meet on the roof of a building ready to jump. Instead of jumping they all make a pact to wait until Valentine's Day. I really liked the movie because it gives a glimpse into the biggest question when it comes to individuals committing suicide - Why? When people commit suicide their loved ones are left to ask the question as to why they did it. Sometimes the person leaves a note and sometimes not, but no matter what that person writes down on the paper whose to say that's the real reason they ended their life. I don't want to ruin the ending for anyone who plans to watch it, so I won't tell you if they jump or not. What I will tell you is something they say at the end, that a man who survived jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge said that in the five seconds after he jumped before he hit the water was that the only thing in his life that couldn't be fixed was jumping off that bridge. Being someone who has almost committed suicide I understand that thought completely. Luckily for me I had someone to make me realize that the only thing I couldn't have fixed would have been taking my own life, that someone gave me my five seconds. I think that the why is a big question and maybe even the person who's ready to jump doesn't even know the answer themselves. But if that person is you, I ask you to take those five seconds before you jump and think about it...

Self Evident Truth

I just watched this video and I thought it was necessary to share. If you haven't heard of the http://www.selfevidentproject.com/ you should, it is something that I think could help to break down barriers. In truth it is about so much more than gay individuals, its about all individuals and showing them for what they really are - human beings. We shouldn't be separated into groups based on sexual orientation, race, belief; we are all humans and we deserve equal rights. I'm a straight white christian but that doesn't mean I don't see the struggles of others. A majority of my friends are gay or bisexual, most of them don't believe in a god, and I have witnessed their struggles and listened to their pains and I stand beside them. I was raised seeing a person as a person; no matter their race, beliefs, or sexual orientation. With all that's going on today I think that most people forget that we are all human beings, and those things that define a person shouldn't be what separates them from being a human being. Being gay doesn't suddenly change the fact that you are human and being human you deserve the same rights as everyone else.

Strength

Strength -- A couple of years ago I got that word tattooed on my foot. I got it for one important reason: I needed it to remind myself everyday just how strong I am capable of being. I'm not talking about the kind of strength it takes to lift something heavy, but the strength it takes to hold an imaginary weight on your shoulders. My family and friends tell me all the time how strong and brave I am, that I'm going out and attempting to make my life better. In truth though I am not as strong as I look, I am pretty good at putting up a facade, and I fight everyday to stay strong. I may look like I've got it all figured out and everything is going as planned, but really I have no idea what I'm doing and I worry all the time that things won't work out. I think that everybody goes through this same thing at least once, if not more, in their life. I have worked hard the last six years to put my past behind me, to push myself to be the person I'm truly meant to be. Strength, is something that has brought me through. In all honesty I don't think everyone could have traveled down the same road I did and make it to the other side. It was more than just something inside of me though, it was all the people in my life; my family and friends and all the new friends I gained along the way. They are the reason I keep fighting everyday; the thought that my strength is their strength. They need me as much as I need them, and my life is important to them. I think that is something others should take from, that the life you live isn't lived just for you alone but all those around you as well. Your strength emanates in the lives of others and vice-versa. No matter how alone with your struggles you feel there are always those who are around to share your burdens, whether it be the god you believe in or family and friends or a significant other or a therapist you probably pay way to much for. It took me a while to figure it out, but when I did I realized that even though I feel alone that I'm never really alone and that gives me strength. So looking at that word inked into my skin reminds me of so much more than a word, it reminds me of my struggles all the things I went through and the knowledge that I have the ability to beat anything that crosses my path; it also reminds me of all the people who I draw that strength from and those same people who need me to be strong.

“I am thankful for my struggle because without it, I wouldn't have stumbled upon my strength.”
― Alexandra Elle

Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I unfortunately don't get to spend the day with friends and family because I'm 1300 miles away from them. I love Thanksgiving at my house, I remember waking up to a turkey cooking in the oven. That smell will forever be burned into my memory. I love spending time with my family, most people can't stand to spend a whole day with their crazy relatives but me I love them all. When I was younger we used to play games all afternoon as the older men would take a nap to sleep off the turkey and the older women would play cards. Those are fond memories...

There is something else I feel like talking about today, mostly because it is so in your face at the moment. The Ferguson case. I noticed this article this morning - http://www.foxnews.com/us/2014/11/27/agitators-planned-to-disrupt-macy-thanksgiving-day-parade/ Honestly I am disappointed in people, I understand that people are angry; I myself didn't really follow the case but I am aware of the circumstances. I don't see the reason behind ruining a parade which is meant to celebrate thanks. I listened to the prosecutors speech and watched the aftermath, that boys family asked for peace and the people answered with destruction. Burning of american flags, burning of police cars, burning of public buildings. Since the case started there has been so much hate and loss, is that really the best way to fight this case; fire with fire. There are some questions I wish to ask, and please don't consider this offensive I don't mean it to sound the least bit racist. Would this all have turned out the same if that boy had been white? Is the color of his skin really the underlying factor? If that boy had been white would it have made national news, would the president have made a speech, would there have been rioting and protesters? Police brutality happens more often than any of us would like, with power comes those who will abuse it. Police brutality occurs no matter the color of someones skin. Don't get me wrong I am not naive to the fact that those of darker skin are often targeted for police action, I took a class during my undergrad which focused on the criminal justice system and minorities. The cold hard truth is that if you are a rich white male you are far less likely to be stopped by the cops than a poor black woman, and its not right... not in the least bit. But everyday more and more of those with the old train of thought are leaving the criminal justice system and people with a new train of thought are coming in, I truly hope that someday the color of someones skin will no longer be an issue. But likewise people need to stop falling into the stereotypes; don't act like they expect you to act and rise above, make them see you in a different light.

Happy Halloween!

Halloween is my favorite holiday, it's the one day out of the year that you have permission to be whoever or whatever you want, the skies the limit. Although I still think the classics are the best; vampire, witch, ghost, zombie... and you can interpret them however you want. What I really love about Halloween is its history whether All Hallows Eve or Day of the Dead. A time for remembering the dead a celebration of those who have passed on. Today Halloween has become a day of scares, trick-or-treating, and carving pumpkins. As long as I can remember I looked forward to the week before Halloween when I got to carve pumpkins, I loved digging my fingers into the slimy innards. Oh, and trick-or-treating I sure miss those days. Spending all evening dressed up in my cute little costumes knocking on strangers doors. I have fond memories of coming home to my father watching some scary black and white movie on TV and I'd sit at the table and pour out my bag full of candy so I could sort through it. And when I got old enough I finally got to go to a haunted house, screaming when something jumped out at me... and nothing is scarier than a clown with a chainsaw. As I get older it seems like those exciting Halloween things are getting farther and farther away, life seems to get in the way. I hope someday life will slow down enough and I'll have kids of my own and Halloween will become what it used to be for me again.

Visual Perception

I was thinking today about how we perceive others visually, simply I was thinking about the old saying "Don't judge a book by its cover." In most cases I think that this saying holds weight, to quickly people judge a person based on their appearance. Speaking from experience, I know what its like to be judged based on the way you look. People look at me and see a simple weak naive innocent girl, but trust me I am so much more than that. In truth we have all done it, it is natural for us to judge others based on the way they look. What we see is the first way in which we perceive an individual, even before they speak or act. For example the town I grew up in has a biker rally every year, thousands of bikers come from all over. When you see them at the bar or driving their bike around town you see a biker with tattoos and wearing leather. What you don't see are who they really are; most of them are doctors, lawyers, and other honorable members of society. The way a person looks or the way they dress doesn't always display the person they are, sometimes is does, but not always. How different would the world be if we saw people for what they truly were as opposed to what they look like? Could you just imagine, seeing people for who they really are? Would you want to? Would you want people to see you for who you really are? I think these questions are pretty important to keep in mind the next time you judge someone based on how you visually perceive them.

Meaghan Ramsey: Why thinking you're ugly is bad for you

I know I have posted quite a few Ted Talk videos, but I have another that I felt like sharing. One of the first things she talks about is a young girl posting a video on YouTube asking if she's ugly or not. The comments that Meaghan shows almost made me cry. To think that people would say such terrible things astounds me, because in no way is that young girl ugly. I know that Meaghan focuses on girls in her talk, but she also talks about boys as well. Some of the statistics and research findings she presents are staggering; I am amazed that even something such as how well you do on an exam and your overall GPA can become affected by how you perceive your appearance. I speak from experience when I say that I too struggle daily with whether or not I look good enough, and I think that a lot of people do. But how can we hope to change anything, how can a young impressionable girl feel beautiful when people are telling her how ugly she is? I think that the basis of Meaghan's idea is something that in the long run could change the way young people look in the mirror.

Representations of Gender in Advertising

Just saw this video, I feel like it kind of goes along with my last post. It describes gender roles in advertising, the statistics are based on Canadian society but I think they are pretty similar wherever you live. It amazes me how media portrays women and men; whether its advertisements, commercials, music videos, etc. Women are shown in such sexual and submissive roles, whereas men are shown as dominant and powerful. It is something that has always bothered me, mostly because people take one look at me and automatically assume I am weak. I was raised strong, I am capable of doing things most men can't even do and it bothers me that I am so quickly judged solely on the fact that I am a feminine woman. Gender stereotypes are the reason so many people are unhappy with the way they truly are, society tells us we have to look and act certain ways and really we should just be whoever we want to be.

Colin Stokes: How movies teach manhood

Just saw this video and I felt the need to share it. I realize that in the world today the lines that separate men and women are starting to blur, but the truth is that those lines are still there. I am a feminist and I believe strongly in equal rights and equality of all, but what I think we as a nation fail to realize is that as hard as we try to make women stronger and more independent men are not being made to change as well. Now I don't want my words to be taken the wrong way so I will try to explain. Like this video is trying to explain, boys grow up watching movies that portray men as the dominant character. Women are very seldom portrayed as anything other than a damsel in distress, all love struck and defenseless. Don't get me wrong I love romantic comedies, but the issue with most of these movies is that it shows a woman needs a man. There is a quote that I think is really important for young girls to know, "A women needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." Society is working hard to promote strength in young girls, but we also need promote respect and understanding in young boys. Movies need to show more men working alongside women, showing men who are more than just the conquering hero.

Healthy Living

I've been into a health kick lately, I'm trying to lose weight the right way. I watched a documentary titled Hungry for Change, I thought it was a great film and I recommend it. It really talks about what you put into your body and how you treat your body. I know that people try everything to lose weight; diets, pills, other insane things. In the long run all of those things are only hurting you not helping you. It's not about the fastest method or the easiest method, its about the right method. Everyone wants an easy solution, but improving your life takes work. If you want to lose weight and feel better about yourself it has to start with you and what you put into your body, not just that but what you shouldn't be putting into your body. For thousands of years people have been living off the land, eating what naturally grows there. If you want to get healthy that's where you need to start; fresh produce, chemical free meats, staying away from refined sugars and high fructose corn syrup and for heavens sake staying far away from aspartame (which is present in most artificial sweeteners in diet products) and MSG. Water is one of the best things on earth and the more you drink the better you'll feel. And it's not just what you put into your body, but what you do to your body. Sleep, is always good and getting eight hours is really important to a healthy body. More than that is not stressing over it all, stress weighs on the body and effects your immune system which in turn effects your health. Meditation and yoga are awesome for relieving stress, but if your like most people life is just to busy; so taking time to be by yourself and listening to music, watching a movie, or taking a long hot shower are all really good ways to destress. Or there is always my favorite which is taking a hot 20 minute bath, which is also really good for detoxifying. Detox is also important in a healthy body; you can detox by drinking green or dandelion root tea, juicing with fruits and vegetables (parsley and cilantro are really good detoxifiers), and of course cranberry juice. Then there is exercise, that one is pretty important too, because you can do everything else right but without losing calories you can't lose fat. All of that aside there is one other thing that is really important and this one took me a long time to come to terms with, you have to accept yourself love yourself. In the Hungry for change documentary they talked about something that I think really resonates, you need to look at yourself in the mirror and say "I love myself unconditionally right now." It is one thing to want to change your health, but losing weight won't change the way you feel about yourself, you have to do that all on your own. You have to encourage yourself and not get down when things don't happen immediately, changing your life takes time.
If you want check out Hungry for Change's Facebook page, here's the link: https://www.facebook.com/hungryforchangefilm

Ice Bucket Challenge

I wanted to share a video about the ALS ice bucket challenge. It has reached a lot of people, I have seen tons of posts on facebook and twitter showing famous people who are accepting the challenge. I really hope that everyone who participates is doing it for the right reason. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h07OT8p8Oik#t=365 This video really shows why donating money is so important to changing someones life.

Evil

I watched a documentary on the science of evil today and I thought I would share my thoughts. Evil is defined as morally bad, causing harm or injury to someone, or marked by bad luck or bad events. Evil is something that is not born, but made. We all have the ability to commit acts of evil, evil is already within us. It is our actions that determine whether we act on such evil or not. We are tasked with discerning between doing what is right or what is wrong. In the documentary I watched they showed an experiment done at Stanford where college students volunteered to play the roles of prisoners and guards. What the experiment showed is that when placed in a particular situation we inherently take on certain roles and act on those roles whether right or wrong. The documentary also talked about Jeffrey Dahmer, while in prison Dahmer wanted to repent for his sins and be baptized. The true question here is that can a man who is considered to be the most horrible of evils be given salvation and forgiveness, should he be allowed such gracious acts? In my opinion I would say if, and only if, his feeling of remorse and repent are true then only God can decide whether he is still evil or not. But can an evil act not be evil, for example the situation often used to test people: A building is crumbling and you knew the way out, there are two rooms and in one is a friend and in the other a group of strangers, you can only make it to one room in time, which do you choose? In this situation you are choosing between the one or the many, but either way is it an act of evil? If you decide to go to the room of strangers and save their lives you are consciously letting your friend die and is that not evil, oppositely if you go to your friend and save them letting the group of strangers die is that not also evil? The question here is which is the "lesser of evils," both acts result in death which is considered evil, but which evil is not as evil as the other? The documentary also showed a current study on the parts of the brain used in making decisions of what is right and wrong. The study shows that most decisions are made using the emotional portions of the brain, however when given questions with the lesser of two evil options the logic and reason part of the brain becomes active when the individual chooses to save the many over the one. However when they decide to choose the one over the many only the emotional part of the brain becomes active. What I believe this is showing is that evil, or acts of evil are tied to our emotions, and when we are forced to choose the lesser of evils we resort to letting logic decide for us. So is an act not evil when we let logic decide or is it still evil? I believe an act of evil is evil, however one evil act does not make an individual evil. When that individual made a logical decision to commit an evil act they weren't acting out of evil. When an individual consciously commits evil only for the simple fact that they can or that they want to, that makes them evil.

Miss Me

Its weird the things that you miss, even when its feels wrong to miss them. In high school I had very strong feelings for a guy, he also had strong feelings for me. He, however, never made any attempt to be with me and eventually ignored me completely; he dated other girls, but wouldn't date me. He toyed with my emotions and feelings and somehow I continued to like him. I have spent years trying to move on from him, but what really sucks is that I still miss him. Not just him, but the way he made me feel. I know that I shouldn't, but I can't seem to help it. Similarly, I continually miss my best friend, not the person but the relationship. My best friend treated me like crap, but truthfully that was all I knew, its what I was used to and its what I miss. I miss having someone in my life that I was so close to, and I worry I will never  have that again. I miss life the way it used to be; it may not have been perfect and it may have been wrong but there were things in my life that I liked and now that they are gone I miss them, good or bad. It really makes me understand why people stay in abusive relationships, which is what both of my relationships were. When you care about someone, even when they hurt you, you tend to look past the bad things. You want to only see the good because you like those good things and you don't want to lose them. When I lost my best friend it was the worst day of my life, I had never really seen my friendship with her as an abusive one I just thought that was the way things were. It wasn't until I was no longer under her spell that I realized exactly how bad the relationship was. Now that I look back at it I regret not opening my eyes earlier, but I am also grateful for the relationship because it made me stronger; it made me the person I am today. So, that seemed like a long tangent but what my point really is is that when it comes to missing things we don't really have control over it. We miss things we know we shouldn't, but we can't seem to help it. And really we shouldn't be ashamed of missing those things, because at one point in our lives it was what we wanted, what we needed and without those moments, those people, those things we wouldn't be the people we are.

Too Good To Be True (Book Title)

I haven't posted in a while and I felt like I should post something. I don't have any random thoughts to talk about right now so I thought I would post a fragment of the book I wrote. It's not a published book or anything special really, I just felt like writing a book... so I did. Someday I might actually publish it but for right now its just something I did when I was bored. For those of you who actually read my posts please feel free to tell me what you think of the fragment of my book.

Jason turned on the car and pulled out of the parking lot. He drove for twenty or so miles as I sat looking out the window at the stars. He finally pulled into a dark drive covered in gravel. I looked around, there were large piles of gravel and rock all over; I figured we must be at a gravel pit. He stopped the car in front of what I guessed to be a lake, from the way the moonlight hit it. He turned off the car and turned to me.

“Ready,” he smiled.

“Sure… for what? Did you bring me out here to kill me?” I smiled uncertainly.

“Take off your shoes and leave your phone in here,” he smiled.

He kicked off his shoes, pulled his phone out of his front pocket and his wallet from his back pocket, and set in the center console. I pulled off my shoes and pulled my phone from my pocket, setting it next to his in the center console. He got out of the car and I followed. He walked up to the edge of the water and held out his hand for me to take. I grabbed his hand; he pulled me next to him, faced me, and grinned.

“Hold your breath.”

He quickly pulled my body close to him, wrapped his arms around me, and threw us both into the lake. The water was warm from being under the sun all day, as it enveloped us.  He released me from his arms so we could both swim to the surface.

“Adrenaline pumping?” he laughed.

“Yeah,” I replied laughing, trying to catch my breath.

We both waded in the water a little; I then started floating on my back looking up at the stars. He swam over next to me and began floating on his back.

“The stars are so beautiful,” I remarked.

“When I was little I used to sit out late at night and look at the stars, my grandma used to say they were the shining light of all the little happy moments in the world. That each star was a happy moment that had happened somewhere and the light it gave off stuck in the sky, so when we have sad times we can look up there and remember all the happy ones.”

“That’s really beautiful.”

“Yeah, my grandma was an amazing woman. She died about a year ago.”

“I’m really sorry.”

“Thanks.”

We floated a little while in silence looking at the stars. Then without warning Jason pushed down on my stomach causing me to go under. I came back to the surface to see him grinning at me.

“Hey, what was that for?”

“It’s time to have some fun, enough serious stuff for one night” he grinned.

He ducked under the water. I couldn’t see him, and then he popped up behind me and pushed down on my shoulders shoving me under again. I came back up to the surface and he had swum away from me. Smiling, I swam quickly towards him and he swam away from me again laughing. Finally I caught up with him and pulled him under the water.  He came to the surface, the moonlight hit his face. He looked almost unreal; I wondered how it was possible that a guy who looked like him would want anything to do with a girl who looked like me.

“Shall we go?” he asked.

“Sure.”

“To my place...? We can watch a movie?” he said with hesitation.

“That was the plan right?” I smiled.

“Just making sure you still want to,” he smiled cautiously.

“Yes, of course I do.”

He started swimming back to the shore and I followed. He walked out of the water and over to his car. I walked out and stood on the shore, wringing out my hair.

“Well, we’re not getting in my car like this,” motioning to our wet clothes, “I have some spare clothes in my trunk.”

He opened his car door, took out his key, walked to the back of his car, and opened the trunk. He pulled out a gym bag and opened it. From the bag he pulled out a pair of gray sweats, a pair of red and blue checker boxers, and a Red Lake High School t-shirt.

“You can wear the pants and shirt. I’ll wear the boxers.”

I walked over to the back of his car and took the clothes out of his hand. He smiled at me; I wasn’t quite comfortable changing in front of him. So I walked behind one of the large piles of gravel. I took off all my wet clothes and pulled on the shirt and pants. I then picked up my clothes off the ground and walked around to the front of the pile.

I saw him standing next to his car in just his boxers, his wet body glistened in the moonlight it almost took my breath away. In the moonlight I could just make out the curves of his back, he didn’t have the gym-workout-every-day look, but he did have decent muscular structure. I walked over to him and set my wet clothes in his trunk next to his wet clothes. From the front I could see his abs and pecks; he had a definite four-pack and fairly well shaped pectoral muscles. I had the urge to reach out and touch him but I resisted. He caught me staring at him and my cheeks immediately warmed when he grinned.

“You could’ve changed in front of me you know. I’ve already seen you naked,” he chuckled.

“Well, I don’t remember that so…. I’m not comfortable with that yet,” I smirked.

What I was really thinking, was that he had this awesome body and I had a very average and unfit body, and undressing in front of him would be terrifying. He laughed at my comment, and then grabbed my waist and pulled my body close next to his. I could feel his bare skin touching my mine through the thin shirt; he kissed me gently on the cheek. This wouldn’t seem like a really romantic gesture, I mean you kiss your grandma on the cheek. When he kissed my cheek however, it was something totally different. It was like a natural intimate gesture, like something that occurred all the time, it felt normal.

“Hop in, let’s go,” a smile on his face ear to ear.

I walked to the passenger side of the car and got in; he walked to the driver’s side and also got in. He started the car and drove out of the pits. We drove to his apartment listening to the music playing softly and not saying a word. I peered up at the star sky praying for a shooting star so that I could wish this night would never end. Once we arrived at his apartment we got out of the car; he opened his trunk and took the wet clothes out of it. We walked up to his apartment; he unlocked his door, and motioned for me to go in first.

“Would you like to take a shower?” he asked, dropping the wet clothes on the floor next to the door.

“Yeah, that would be nice.”

He walked to the bathroom and I followed, he stopped right in the doorway. He turned around to face me, looked at me, and grinned that crooked grin mischievously.

“Alright, you can shower under one condition,” that mischievous grin still spread across his face.

“What’s that?” I questioned, unable to stop grinning.

“I get to shower with you.”

I was shocked; the smile disappeared from my face. I paused, smiled nervously, and shook my head. Was I ready for something like that? After all I had only met this guy this morning, and twenty minutes ago I couldn’t even change clothes in front of him? Then a thought popped into my head, if he couldn’t see me then maybe I wouldn’t be ashamed to be naked in front of him.

“Alright, but I have a condition too,” I demanded.

“What’s your condition?”

“You have to wear a blindfold.”

He paused, I couldn’t tell what he was thinking, but then he smiled.

“Alright.”