Evil

I watched a documentary on the science of evil today and I thought I would share my thoughts. Evil is defined as morally bad, causing harm or injury to someone, or marked by bad luck or bad events. Evil is something that is not born, but made. We all have the ability to commit acts of evil, evil is already within us. It is our actions that determine whether we act on such evil or not. We are tasked with discerning between doing what is right or what is wrong. In the documentary I watched they showed an experiment done at Stanford where college students volunteered to play the roles of prisoners and guards. What the experiment showed is that when placed in a particular situation we inherently take on certain roles and act on those roles whether right or wrong. The documentary also talked about Jeffrey Dahmer, while in prison Dahmer wanted to repent for his sins and be baptized. The true question here is that can a man who is considered to be the most horrible of evils be given salvation and forgiveness, should he be allowed such gracious acts? In my opinion I would say if, and only if, his feeling of remorse and repent are true then only God can decide whether he is still evil or not. But can an evil act not be evil, for example the situation often used to test people: A building is crumbling and you knew the way out, there are two rooms and in one is a friend and in the other a group of strangers, you can only make it to one room in time, which do you choose? In this situation you are choosing between the one or the many, but either way is it an act of evil? If you decide to go to the room of strangers and save their lives you are consciously letting your friend die and is that not evil, oppositely if you go to your friend and save them letting the group of strangers die is that not also evil? The question here is which is the "lesser of evils," both acts result in death which is considered evil, but which evil is not as evil as the other? The documentary also showed a current study on the parts of the brain used in making decisions of what is right and wrong. The study shows that most decisions are made using the emotional portions of the brain, however when given questions with the lesser of two evil options the logic and reason part of the brain becomes active when the individual chooses to save the many over the one. However when they decide to choose the one over the many only the emotional part of the brain becomes active. What I believe this is showing is that evil, or acts of evil are tied to our emotions, and when we are forced to choose the lesser of evils we resort to letting logic decide for us. So is an act not evil when we let logic decide or is it still evil? I believe an act of evil is evil, however one evil act does not make an individual evil. When that individual made a logical decision to commit an evil act they weren't acting out of evil. When an individual consciously commits evil only for the simple fact that they can or that they want to, that makes them evil.

Miss Me

Its weird the things that you miss, even when its feels wrong to miss them. In high school I had very strong feelings for a guy, he also had strong feelings for me. He, however, never made any attempt to be with me and eventually ignored me completely; he dated other girls, but wouldn't date me. He toyed with my emotions and feelings and somehow I continued to like him. I have spent years trying to move on from him, but what really sucks is that I still miss him. Not just him, but the way he made me feel. I know that I shouldn't, but I can't seem to help it. Similarly, I continually miss my best friend, not the person but the relationship. My best friend treated me like crap, but truthfully that was all I knew, its what I was used to and its what I miss. I miss having someone in my life that I was so close to, and I worry I will never  have that again. I miss life the way it used to be; it may not have been perfect and it may have been wrong but there were things in my life that I liked and now that they are gone I miss them, good or bad. It really makes me understand why people stay in abusive relationships, which is what both of my relationships were. When you care about someone, even when they hurt you, you tend to look past the bad things. You want to only see the good because you like those good things and you don't want to lose them. When I lost my best friend it was the worst day of my life, I had never really seen my friendship with her as an abusive one I just thought that was the way things were. It wasn't until I was no longer under her spell that I realized exactly how bad the relationship was. Now that I look back at it I regret not opening my eyes earlier, but I am also grateful for the relationship because it made me stronger; it made me the person I am today. So, that seemed like a long tangent but what my point really is is that when it comes to missing things we don't really have control over it. We miss things we know we shouldn't, but we can't seem to help it. And really we shouldn't be ashamed of missing those things, because at one point in our lives it was what we wanted, what we needed and without those moments, those people, those things we wouldn't be the people we are.

Too Good To Be True (Book Title)

I haven't posted in a while and I felt like I should post something. I don't have any random thoughts to talk about right now so I thought I would post a fragment of the book I wrote. It's not a published book or anything special really, I just felt like writing a book... so I did. Someday I might actually publish it but for right now its just something I did when I was bored. For those of you who actually read my posts please feel free to tell me what you think of the fragment of my book.

Jason turned on the car and pulled out of the parking lot. He drove for twenty or so miles as I sat looking out the window at the stars. He finally pulled into a dark drive covered in gravel. I looked around, there were large piles of gravel and rock all over; I figured we must be at a gravel pit. He stopped the car in front of what I guessed to be a lake, from the way the moonlight hit it. He turned off the car and turned to me.

“Ready,” he smiled.

“Sure… for what? Did you bring me out here to kill me?” I smiled uncertainly.

“Take off your shoes and leave your phone in here,” he smiled.

He kicked off his shoes, pulled his phone out of his front pocket and his wallet from his back pocket, and set in the center console. I pulled off my shoes and pulled my phone from my pocket, setting it next to his in the center console. He got out of the car and I followed. He walked up to the edge of the water and held out his hand for me to take. I grabbed his hand; he pulled me next to him, faced me, and grinned.

“Hold your breath.”

He quickly pulled my body close to him, wrapped his arms around me, and threw us both into the lake. The water was warm from being under the sun all day, as it enveloped us.  He released me from his arms so we could both swim to the surface.

“Adrenaline pumping?” he laughed.

“Yeah,” I replied laughing, trying to catch my breath.

We both waded in the water a little; I then started floating on my back looking up at the stars. He swam over next to me and began floating on his back.

“The stars are so beautiful,” I remarked.

“When I was little I used to sit out late at night and look at the stars, my grandma used to say they were the shining light of all the little happy moments in the world. That each star was a happy moment that had happened somewhere and the light it gave off stuck in the sky, so when we have sad times we can look up there and remember all the happy ones.”

“That’s really beautiful.”

“Yeah, my grandma was an amazing woman. She died about a year ago.”

“I’m really sorry.”

“Thanks.”

We floated a little while in silence looking at the stars. Then without warning Jason pushed down on my stomach causing me to go under. I came back to the surface to see him grinning at me.

“Hey, what was that for?”

“It’s time to have some fun, enough serious stuff for one night” he grinned.

He ducked under the water. I couldn’t see him, and then he popped up behind me and pushed down on my shoulders shoving me under again. I came back up to the surface and he had swum away from me. Smiling, I swam quickly towards him and he swam away from me again laughing. Finally I caught up with him and pulled him under the water.  He came to the surface, the moonlight hit his face. He looked almost unreal; I wondered how it was possible that a guy who looked like him would want anything to do with a girl who looked like me.

“Shall we go?” he asked.

“Sure.”

“To my place...? We can watch a movie?” he said with hesitation.

“That was the plan right?” I smiled.

“Just making sure you still want to,” he smiled cautiously.

“Yes, of course I do.”

He started swimming back to the shore and I followed. He walked out of the water and over to his car. I walked out and stood on the shore, wringing out my hair.

“Well, we’re not getting in my car like this,” motioning to our wet clothes, “I have some spare clothes in my trunk.”

He opened his car door, took out his key, walked to the back of his car, and opened the trunk. He pulled out a gym bag and opened it. From the bag he pulled out a pair of gray sweats, a pair of red and blue checker boxers, and a Red Lake High School t-shirt.

“You can wear the pants and shirt. I’ll wear the boxers.”

I walked over to the back of his car and took the clothes out of his hand. He smiled at me; I wasn’t quite comfortable changing in front of him. So I walked behind one of the large piles of gravel. I took off all my wet clothes and pulled on the shirt and pants. I then picked up my clothes off the ground and walked around to the front of the pile.

I saw him standing next to his car in just his boxers, his wet body glistened in the moonlight it almost took my breath away. In the moonlight I could just make out the curves of his back, he didn’t have the gym-workout-every-day look, but he did have decent muscular structure. I walked over to him and set my wet clothes in his trunk next to his wet clothes. From the front I could see his abs and pecks; he had a definite four-pack and fairly well shaped pectoral muscles. I had the urge to reach out and touch him but I resisted. He caught me staring at him and my cheeks immediately warmed when he grinned.

“You could’ve changed in front of me you know. I’ve already seen you naked,” he chuckled.

“Well, I don’t remember that so…. I’m not comfortable with that yet,” I smirked.

What I was really thinking, was that he had this awesome body and I had a very average and unfit body, and undressing in front of him would be terrifying. He laughed at my comment, and then grabbed my waist and pulled my body close next to his. I could feel his bare skin touching my mine through the thin shirt; he kissed me gently on the cheek. This wouldn’t seem like a really romantic gesture, I mean you kiss your grandma on the cheek. When he kissed my cheek however, it was something totally different. It was like a natural intimate gesture, like something that occurred all the time, it felt normal.

“Hop in, let’s go,” a smile on his face ear to ear.

I walked to the passenger side of the car and got in; he walked to the driver’s side and also got in. He started the car and drove out of the pits. We drove to his apartment listening to the music playing softly and not saying a word. I peered up at the star sky praying for a shooting star so that I could wish this night would never end. Once we arrived at his apartment we got out of the car; he opened his trunk and took the wet clothes out of it. We walked up to his apartment; he unlocked his door, and motioned for me to go in first.

“Would you like to take a shower?” he asked, dropping the wet clothes on the floor next to the door.

“Yeah, that would be nice.”

He walked to the bathroom and I followed, he stopped right in the doorway. He turned around to face me, looked at me, and grinned that crooked grin mischievously.

“Alright, you can shower under one condition,” that mischievous grin still spread across his face.

“What’s that?” I questioned, unable to stop grinning.

“I get to shower with you.”

I was shocked; the smile disappeared from my face. I paused, smiled nervously, and shook my head. Was I ready for something like that? After all I had only met this guy this morning, and twenty minutes ago I couldn’t even change clothes in front of him? Then a thought popped into my head, if he couldn’t see me then maybe I wouldn’t be ashamed to be naked in front of him.

“Alright, but I have a condition too,” I demanded.

“What’s your condition?”

“You have to wear a blindfold.”

He paused, I couldn’t tell what he was thinking, but then he smiled.

“Alright.”