Monday, December 21, 2015

Clarity

So it's been awhile, I've been overly busy... But I have been thinking about something for awhile and I feel like writing it down; sharing it. So here it goes...

In my life I have been through some of the highest highs and some of the lowest lows and I fought and struggled and I am finally seeing the light. It took a long time, but I think I've finally found clarity. Things may not be perfect; actually I know they aren't perfect and there is still a long ways to go, but for now things are good enough. I am happy... really happy not what I used to think was happy. Happy where I can feel it in my whole body and I know it's real. I am free of life's chains, free of the burdens and pressures that once held me down. It's a real clarity to see life with open eyes, to see all its beauty as it is meant to be seen. A clarity that frees you from things that used to bother you or stress you out. If you've never felt it before its hard to explain, but having seen the darkest parts of my soul makes it easier to see the light even in its smallest measure. I feel like the real me, like who I am right now is who I really am and that person I used to be wasn't me. I know I smile more than I ever had and it feels amazing to know that I can smile even after I've been torn down so far that I thought I might never be happy again. Clarity is a precious gift, I wish that everyone could feel the freedom that clarity gives. To see things for what they are and see yourself as who you really are, to be who you really are with nothing to hold you back. I hope that you don't have to go through the same darkness that I had to go through in order to reach it, but if you do all I have to say is keep fighting the darkness because the light at the end of the tunnel shines brighter than anything you've seen before.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

The Sky is Falling

Its been awhile since I wrote last, life has been busy and I haven't had time to have a free thought. But now everything is just... well there's really no word for it, it's more of the sound you make when you fall out of bed, you know the sound? It amazes me how life can go from being bright and sunny and the flowers are blooming and then bam the sky starts falling around you. And its not like things happen slowly or little by little so they are easy to take and easy to overcome, no its all at once and its suffocating. I don't want to shower you with all my problems, because that's not who I am. But lets put it this way- no job, no money, no relationship, a grad school thesis presentation/paper. I have come to realize that the hard times in my life are always like this, its not just one thing its a culmination of many things. I don't know if its like that for everyone, but its always like that for me. They say that God only gives you what you can handle, and I think that maybe that's true. I just wish he wouldn't give me so much all the time. But, no matter what I try to keep a positive attitude and keep my chin up even when I just want to break down and cry. I guess I've just been here so many times that I've learned that crying about it isn't going to make it any better, don't get me wrong a good cry always makes me feel a little better, but it doesn't change my situation. When things get bad I think I force myself to smile, not because I'm trying to fool anyone, but because the more I force myself to smile the more I actually smile. If you were to meet me you would never guess what's going on inside my head, I have perfected the ability to hide my emotions and my worry. And though that's not a good thing, it is something I have done to cope with life. I have been at the bottom of the barrel, I know exactly what the darkness looks like, but I have done something I wish I could share with others who are at their worst. I had my moment, that small light in the darkness, I realized that as bad as it gets, as much as it hurts, it could always be worse. The sky may be falling, but at least the ground is still beneath my feet. With all the bad in the world, the good still beats it 100%. And all those bruises and broken bones of life they eventually heal, and they are just that much stronger. I think that people like myself, people who have been at their lowest who have seen the darkness, when they come into the light they see it so much more than those who haven't. I think now I appreciate all the beautiful things in life so much more, and even when the sky is falling it looks more like a meteor shower than the apocalypse.

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Gives Me Hope

"Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart." - Anne Frank
I am never surprised by the bad things that happen in the world, honestly I expect them. Bad things seem to happen a lot more often than the good things, maybe its because the bad things are easier... easier to do, easier to see, easier to accept as real. Despite everything though I truly think at heart the world is good, that people are good and everyday I witness another thing that gives me hope in humanity. As a civilization we have many faults; we are quick to violence, quick to see the worst in everyone and every situation. But even with all those things we have one thing that is truly remarkable, we have love. Love is what makes a young man give up his seat to an elderly woman on the train. Love is what brings us together after a natural disaster. Love is what makes us do those little things that bring light to someones day.  Love and kindness are what give us our humanity, without them we are nothing more than chaotic creatures. I was lucky growing up, I had love all around me; family and friends who loved me. I grew up with love in my heart and the need to love others and see love in everything and everyone. I have also been broken, torn down, and stomped on; but what I realized is that even though there are bad things and people who do bad things that there is one thing stronger, love. Not only love, but beauty; I'm not talking about beauty as in vanity I'm talking about the beautiful things all around us. The sun as it sets on the horizon, the rain as it drips down the window, the smell of freshly cut grass. These things are what make all the bad in the world tolerable, they make all the violence and the hate and the anger bearable. Because even though those things happen, we know that when they are over that those beautiful things will still be there, because love and beauty those things will never disappear.

Friday, March 27, 2015

Make a wish...

Have you ever made a wish? On a star... at 11:11... on your birthday candles. I wish all the time, anything you can make a wish on I usually do. The truth is though the more and more I wish for something the less and less it seems that it will ever come true. I know what they say, that you have to do the work and make your wishes come true. But wouldn't it be something if just once the wish did come true. Could you imagine what that would feel like? To have your wish granted. To get what you want without having to make it come true yourself. Seriously, if my wish actually came true I think I'd probably faint. Mostly because I really don't expect my wish to come true and if it did I don't think my brain could fathom it. How about your wish? Could you handle it it if came true? Maybe that's why they don't come true, because if they did we wouldn't be able to handle it and our fragile little brains would just explode. Kind of like when you meet your favorite celebrity, you are so excited that you probably can't even form coherent sentences. Maybe they don't come true because our wishes are to big? Maybe the little wish fairy (or whatever) doesn't have the power to make such grand wishes come true. I know my wish is pretty big, it could effect a lot of people and change the fate of myself and others. Then again maybe wishes, and the little wish fairy don't actually exist. When you make your wish it just vanishes into the universe. And maybe that's the way it supposed to be, because what would the world look like if everyone's wishes were granted.... I'm guessing about like the way it look if hell froze over. I guess you really do have to work to make your wishes come true, because then you know you deserve them. Real or not though, that's not going to stop me from wishing and dreaming and hoping, because without those things life is boring and meaningless. So go ahead... make a wish. Maybe one day it'll come true.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Random

So I haven't posted in awhile, I'm not really sure anyone actually reads this. But if you do I just thought I'd write something. I don't really have a particular thing I want to talk about, so I'll just type and see what ends up on the page. Lately I've been really busy with school, I am doing an internship and I have an upcoming research project that I have to prepare for. I'll be graduating (hopefully) in December and I'm excited and nervous. It's weird to think that all to quickly I will have to officially become an adult, pay bills, get a real job. I'm from a tiny little town in Iowa and I love my home, my family and friends, and I don't know if I'm ready to move far away from them. I mean I've been 1200 miles away from them for two years now, but after I graduate it will be different. I will be moving far away to get a job and start a career, basically relocating and calling a new place home. I still feel young, I don't feel like an adult and honestly I don't know if I'm ready to be an adult. I realize that I'm 23 years old and back in the 18th century woman my age were already married with three children, running their own households. Today though it's so different and I am no where near that, I'm not even in a relationship. I'm single, middle class, I have a bachelor's degree and when I'm done I'll have a mater's degree along with 100,000 dollars in debt. I have to find a job in a field that requires experience for its applicants, but the only way to get experience is to get a job. It's really an endless circle. All I do is worry about my future, sometimes I worry so much that I throw myself into a panic that ends in tears. Right now I don't have a job, and I've tried to get one but unfortunately I've failed miserably. And I'm not talking about a job in the field I want, but a regular boring job. Mostly I wanted one so I could get some money to eventually use to pay my bills, and I also wanted one because I spend almost all of my time alone. I sit in my tiny graduate housing apartment and do absolutely nothing. It is so boring, the kind of boring where you literally get tired of your own company. I do homework, watch TV, watch movies, spend way to much time on my computer, read books, listen to music, but I do it so much that I am bored with it. So basically I just sit around and stare out the window, I'm that bored. I have even started writing a new book, I'm close to finished with it. My last book I'm still waiting for the copyright to go through, but it is taking forever. I want to get it published online, so people can purchase and read it. I will probably be finished with my second book before the first one gets published online, its ridiculous.

Wow so I really covered a lot of stuff, end of post.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Different

What does it mean when something or someone is different? By definition the word different means not of the same kind, not the same, or not ordinary or common. But what does it mean to call something different? We can say an apple is different from a orange, but they are both fruits. To compare an apple to a slice of bread, but they are both still food... then lets say we compare an apple to a car, but they both have mass and take up space, they are both comprised of matter. By definition then can any of these things be described as different? We throw around the word different like any other adjective, if something isn't what we believe to be normal or the same as us we call it different. A woman is different from a man, one skin color is different from another, a gay individual is different from a straight individual. But are they different? Sure they have differences, but no matter the differences we are all human beings... all the same. I feel like most of the arguments I hear today are about those three things: sex, race, and sexual orientation. After hundreds of years of fighting and revolutions we are still arguing over the same things. Don't get me wrong we've won some battles, but the war still rages on. No matter how hard we try that label "different" gets slapped on someones forehead and that's all anyone can see. Lets really think about this for a moment: what separates an apple from an orange? The color, shape, texture, flavor, etc... but when we think of them we see fruit, right? All those differences, but with the exception of your personal preferences we don't really think one is better than the other right? Both are sweet, have nutrients, are appetizing, are healthy for you... and so on. Now lets think about the differences between a woman and a man. Sexual organs, hormones, physical structure... can you think of anything else? Those few things don't even compare to the differences in an apple and an orange and yet we see woman as being so much different from men. Throughout history man ruled, man made the money, man was head of the household... is there something that makes man greater than woman? How about this lets look at this scientifically: men tend to be stronger than woman, but woman tend to be smarter than men... like the apples and the oranges we have our differences but that doesn't make one better than the other. I was brought up seeing every human being as holding the same amount of weight in the world, not to look at everyone as being different and those differences holding more weight than another. I think if everyone saw the world that way as everyone being human, the world would be a different place. Look at it this way: when you fill a bowl with apples and oranges and bananas and so forth, what do see? A bowl of fruit, right? So when you look at the world do you see all the differences, or do you see the human race?